The Pokémon Direct showed us a few cute monsters, and I would save them all
Yesterday, Pokémon fans got a new Direct, showing them a bunch of cool stuff from the upcoming Sword and Shield games. We're getting a new region, we're getting open world Wild Areas, we're getting Raid Battles, and we're getting Dynamaxing which doesn't sound like it'll be that cool of a game mechanic, but it will be absolutely incredible for memes. But most importantly, we're getting a slew of new, cute Pokémon and I already love them all. I'd take a bullet for them. Do bullets exist in the Pokémon world? If they don't, scratch that. I'd take a Hyper Beam for them.
So let's rank the new Sword/Shield Pokémon by how much I want to protect them with everything I have.
Let's face it - this bird doesn't need me. It doesn't need anyone. Sure, it flies you around, but it's just doing its job. I'm sure it has a heart, but it wouldn't come to my birthday party. And I can respect that.
Sure, Drednaw doesn't NEED my protection. It could bite me in half and if Pokémon were realistic, every battle with Drednaw would end with you begging for the carnage to stop. But then again, it's a turtle. And I don't want to sound like a viral video from 2007, but I like turtles.
I have a feeling that when we actually get to play these games, Eldegoss' Defense and Special Defense stats are gonna be in the toilet. Fire, Bug, Poison, Ice and Flying are going to trample it. So it'll need protection in the form of another Pokémon that can take a hit. But look at its face. That's a face that says "I got this."
These are Legendaries, but more importantly, they're puppies. And even more important than that, they're dang ol' good boys. One carries a sword in its mouth (because he's a dog that goes to sword fighting classes, oh yes he does) and the other has a barricade for a face (I bet it's hard to eat food with that big Digimon appliance around your skull, oh yes it is.) But I just want to pet them all day. And if Team Rocket or any other villainous team decides to step to me, I will jump in front of them like Ash taking that Mewtwo/Mew combo strike in the first Pokémon movie.
I don't know quite how to feel about Gossifleur because it's basically a bouquet that says its own name. But that's one of the main themes of Pokémon: Meeting new friends, learning about them, and then coming to love and respect them. So while Gossifleur currently looks like a flower shop mishap waiting to happen, I'm sure I'll come around on it and end up screaming at strangers on the internet about it in time.
I bet Scorbunny would be ashamed of my attempts to protect it. I bet it would look at me and my frail human body and think "I got this, bro. I'm a Pokémon and your attacks suck, so let me handle this, okay?" But I wouldn't stop trying. No, sad music would play and I'd just be getting torn apart by my foe. And then, suddenly, a triumphant score would sound, like the song that erupted when Gandalf and the Riders of Rohan appeared on the hill to turn the tides of the Battle of Helm's Deep. But instead of Ian Mckellan, it would be Scorbunny, saving me from Team Plasma or a Drednaw or a vending machine that wouldn't give me my Skittles or whatever. "You... you saved me...." I'd say, as Scorbunny helped me.
"Of course," Scorbunny would reply. "Also, stop fighting Pokémon, you absolute idiot."
If you so much as whisper an unkind word in the direction of my Wooloo, we're gonna have problems.
JUST LOOK AT IT. I know that this is true of all of the Pokémon that we've seen so far, but don't you just want to hold it? I know I do. I want to put it up on my shoulder and walk around town with it. I want everyone to know what true friendship looks like.
"Sob" is literally a part of Sobble's name. That's like going to get Taco Bell with a friend and then nicknaming him "Gorditabro" for the rest of his life. So I already feel bad for Sobble because some jerk Pokémon researcher saw it and thought "Haha. It cries a lot. We should name it after the fact that it's super sad. That wouldn't be, like, the meanest thing ever." But I wouldn't treat you like that, Sobble. Apparently, when Sobble feels threatened, it cries and it causes everyone around it to cry, and that's okay.
So if you want to find me in the Pokémon world, look for the little weeping amphibian and the dude beside it that is also weeping. I'll always be there for you, Sobble. Unless I end up picking Grookey as my starter. In that case, I will not be there for you in the slightest.
Which new Pokémon would you protect? Which starter are you gonna pick? Let us know in the comments!
Daniel Dockery is a writer and editor for Crunchyroll. You can find him on Twitter.
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